How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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