i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
