it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
