you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
Randomize
