could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
