True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
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