i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
On the bad side I puked, but on the bright side I puked lettuce which was a new experiance
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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