My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
