she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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