My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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