The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
Randomize
