dude i'm inner monologue high
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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