So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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