This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
i luv seein jocks study. its like watching monkeys masturbate.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Randomize
