come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
