He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize