Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
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