im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
