Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Randomize
