my mouth tastes like poor choices
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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