I'm sorry my penis didn't work
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
