dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
if someoen knew that someone accidentally drunkly kissed your boyfriend would you want them to tell you/?
followup question: what if both somones were me?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
