i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
he doesn't sweat normal. maybe that's what THC smells like coming through the sweat glands...
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Randomize
