Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
