Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
