scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
