Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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