He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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