i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Well at least the house will be decorated when u get evicted.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
