I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
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