Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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