I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Randomize
