How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
