I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
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