i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
