Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
For the millionth time in his career, Brett Favre has screwed over the Vikings
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Randomize
