The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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