my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
this just has baby written all over it
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I forget how to act sober
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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