so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
