i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
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