I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
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