Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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