Yea and his cousin visited from central and i fucked her i was texting him at work teasin him about it but sent it to his mom by accident
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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