life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.
Saw an eatery called Rusty Taco. That sooo could be me.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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