My nipple is on Facebook.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
