My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
