She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
