you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Randomize
