Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
