I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
