someone threw a dead crab at me
He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
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