just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Randomize
