Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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