I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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