we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
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