Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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