If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
