Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I made a wizard staff out of Keystone light... I am therefore the smoothest wizard in all of our university's history.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize
