Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
