I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
Randomize
