hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
