I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
She blew me while I watched the jets game and the hardest thing was deciding what to focus on more
Randomize
