Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
