Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Randomize
